Friday, August 24, 2007

Part II

His disillusionment grows as he suspends all disbelief of this fantasy world, his fantasy girl. A perfect dream from which he'd never wish to wake, however riddled with complexities that would cause the very earth to shake. From outside looking in it is all a person sees but twisted deep within this complex labyrinth, he could not see the forest for the trees.

The conversation dwindles and fades; his fairytale turns into a sickening obsession, consuming most of his days. Total lack of contact is driving him insane, torturing his soul and tormenting his brain. Everywhere he looks for little signals or signs, something - anything to tell him everything's fine. Nothing happens, nothing comes, nothing's to be found, and everything he felt in his heart is being driven into the ground. Each day that passes by a piece of his heart snaps, a piece shuts down and a piece fades away that is never coming back. Finally there is nothing left to bruise, nothing left to destroy, nothing to die or to break -- there's nothing left to lose.

His heart just shuts off.

He stopped caring and stopped thinking about her and stopped everything. Just stopped. Nothing. The emotions are gone, the feelings are gone, there's just an empty space where everything used to be and now it's cold and dark, lifeless and...blank. But he moves on and forgets about it, puts it all out of his mind but does not let his heart die completely; it's just dead to her. He realises she never gave the effort and showed the passion that he did and if she really felt the same way deep down, she would have pursued him more.

Other girls come in and out of his life; his heart opens up and warms again. None of them are exactly what he wants but each are a little of what he needs to refuel his fragmented and fractured emotions. He at least takes comfort in the fact that he's mostly recovered, not completely destroyed and able to enjoy himself and have fun again. Having removed himself from the situation, he finally realises how rose-coloured the glasses really were. He can now see how much he wanted to believe it would all work out flawlessly, how much he thought everything was nearly perfect when in fact nothing at all was ever close to being perfect. He had wanted it all so badly he fooled himself into accepting a false reality where anything was possible and nothing could go wrong.

She sits and sulks, speculates and stews about the boy, her boy. Her internet unexpectedly disconnected, derailing, discontinuing, dissolving and utterly destroying all conversation between them. She couldn't call, contact, communicate, or converse in any way at all and this confounding sullen situation simply sent her psychotically over the edge.

She'd been slightly standoffish, subdued and secretive for the duration of their time together since she was worried and wary and quite weary from her past relationship and wasn't sure what she wanted. Some days would be bubbly, buoyant, beautiful days filled with open hearted happiness and heads held high with heaven-sent hope . However some days were dark and dreary, murky and marked by mystery and secluded secrets stuck in safe spots, closed doors with guarded and gauged responses. All of her defense mechanisms are precisely protecting her painful past and preventing the pressure of a new situation from puncturing and piercing through her powerful barrier.

So much time has past that the walls come crumbling down, she's hoping that soon he will come back around. At last she knows deep in her heart that he is her knight, he will find her and make it all right. She's waited so long tried not to make any mistakes, for him she would do whatever it takes. Forever she has longed for this moment to come, her chest starts to swell and her body goes numb. Her heart aches for him just like his had before; there is nothing in this world that she could want more. She counts on him being where he's been for so long, but when she goes to him she finds that he's gone. A tear streams her face but she knows she needn't cry, he would never leave without a good reason why. Of course there's an answer with the time that has past, so much could have happened since they had talked last. She won't lose faith or let her spirits sink low, she'll soon find her boy and her world will be aglow.

(continued...)

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