Sunday, December 07, 2008

Eternally trapped in the darkness of this permanent midnight, there is no moon or starlight to guide my way. I fumble through the dark, desperately trying not to spiral out of control and let what little sanity I have left evaporate into the void along with the rest of my senses. The only thing I can feel is the overwhelming sensation that I am going insane; that my brain is about to overload its circuitry like a highly energetic and unstable atomic bomb, brimming with catastrophic nuclear force, loosely trapped in a canister and ready to unleash hell upon civilization. I know that if I allow this bomb to explode it will mean a total system shut down of epic proportions—one that I would not survive. I cannot see, hear, move, or feel. I can’t scream for help. I am trapped inside my mind with only the ability to think. So, I think.

Caught in this black hole of sensory deprivation, I think of those things that make me weak: the senses I lack. Then I begin to I visualize that which I do not have: I imagine light, I imagine music playing, I feel the sun beating against me and warming my skin. I feel the wind blowing through my hair and scents carried in the breeze. I watch myself walk along the beach and feel the sand squeezing between my toes as the cold water washing over my feet. With every step along the beach, I feel lighter and lighter almost like floating above the sand. I feel like I'm in heaven, walking on clouds. While I stride towards the infinite and imaginary horizon, the light begins to spill outwards into the black abyss in every direction. As the light spreads slowly through the darkness, I feel a warm sensation radiating from my chest and flowing gradually to every inch of my body as though someone injected a warm, viscous liquid into my heart which was now suddenly pumping through my veins. The heat finds my hands and I feel my fingers twitch, it reaches my thighs and I can move them a little. My chest is completely full now and burning hot and as soon as this strange, warm tingling feeling washes over my neck and face, hot air rushes through my mouth deep into my lungs and I gasp in a huge breath of air and bolt upright.

I open my eyes and everything is a blurry mess of watery lights and shadowy figures. I hear a thousand voices at once and see silhouettes and faceless shapes all around me as though I’m looking at them from the bottom of a pool. I hear my name and people crying in frantic gasps and orders being shouted while my eyes roll back in my head and forward into focus then back again. I hear beeping, some fast and slow beeps and some at random intervals. I see metal and lights, white cloth and glasses. I start seeing blackness again, start feeling dizzy and I hearing buzzing in my ears while I flail around trying to get free just before I feel a completely different sensation altogether. A thousand shards of glass pierce through my veins in my left arm and the piercing pain instantly passes through my entire body causing every muscle to seize up for a few seconds before going limp, hot and numb. I fall back and close my eyes as the blackness starts to encircle me once again, and this time I'm helpless to fight it-- helpless to fight the inevitable time bomb awaiting me on the other side. A few seconds of lucidity allow me to hear distant voices:

“How much morph…”

“The standard…”

“He musn’t be sedat…”

“But he was going…”

“Do you even realize what…”

Then, as quickly as the shutter of a camera closing, the conversation halts and I’m thrown into a darkroom of my very own, forever black. Awaiting the apocalypse.

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