Wednesday, December 14, 2005

A Story for Sylvonna

Once upon a time there was this beautiful university student named Princess Sylvonna Merryweather-Good. She was the smartest and prettiest girl at her school and always studied ever so hard. Her husband was the rich and famous Matthew Good, who spoiled Sylvonna to death with gifts and serenaded her with songs on a daily basis. Her and Matt were ever so happy living in their huge castle/mansion located in Beverly Hills. They were so rich, that Sylvonna would take the private Good Jet to school in Waterloo every day. Sylvonna wanted to be an independent woman, so she went to school to study biology and english so she could fulfill her lifelong dream of being a teacher.

However, Matt had a secret from Sylvonna. Despite his fame and fortune from his ultra-successful music, Matthew Good had a severe drug addiction that made him an asshole to everyone. This drug was called tomacco, and Matthew had his own secret farm of these crazy nicotine-tomato plants. Every day for breakfast, Matt would have a seemingly healthy breakfast of tomato juice and fried green tomatoes dipped in ketchup. Little did Sylvonna know, everything was laced with DRUGS. To make matters worse, Matt couldn't get enough of just eating tomato dishes, and of course any smart princess such as Sylvonna would catch on sooner or later, so Matt Good also raised livestock on the farm. BUT, the sheep and cows were all fed tomacco plants so that the cow's milk, the beef, the sheep and even the pigs all contained this insanely addictive drug. Just by looking in any sheep or cow's eyes, you could tell by their bloodshot and crazy appearance that they were whacked out on the wacky tomaccy.

So one day, while Sylvonna was flying up to Waterloo to take her vitally important Genetics exam, she smelled something funny on the plane. She heard a rustling in the back compartment, and a heavy, frantic breathing sound. She stepped closer to the door and listened....mbmb BAAAAAA AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHA AHAHHA HAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Suddenly a fanatic sheep busts through the door, completely hopped up on tomacco plants and out of its mind. The sheep had planned to make an escape from the tainted tomato farm and would not let Sylvonna stand in its way. The sheep had clenched in its hoof a bunch of tomacco leaves and lunged at Sylvonna with them. The sheep struggled to force the leaves into Sylvonna's mouth and Sylvonna struggled back to force the leaves into the sheep's mouth, hoping to give it an overdose of the drugs. FINALLY Sylvonna manages to find the super sensitive spot behind a sheep’s ears and pulls its wool as hard as she can! Being in biology, she knew that this would instantly knock the sheep unconscious. While the sheep was out, Sylvonna knew this was her only chance to save her own life and she opened the emergency hatch on the airplane and kicked the sheep out as hard as she could. Sylvonna watched the sheep drop through the air like a rock , its wool flapping in the wind, with a sense of great satisfaction...

Finally she arrives in Waterloo just in time to write her genetics exam. The intense battle in the airplane had sharpened her wits and focused her attention more than a Tibetan monk. Of course she got 102% on the exam, getting the extra 2% on the bonus question about the long and short term effects of tobacco and nicotine-related substances on livestock. When she returned to Beverly Hills, she burned down the Matthew Good Farm, killing every tomacco plant that ever existed. As for the remaining sheep and cows and pigs and even Matthew Good himself, they were all enlisted in an intense 16-week tomacco rehabilitation program where they learned to deal with their addiction through song. The newest Matthew Good album was an instant classic entitled How The Tomatoes Almost Killed Me: Featuring Special Guests the Barnyard Animals. As for Princess Sylvonna, she was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honour, as well as an Honourary Doctorate degree from Laurier University, for her heroic job of stopping the deadly and maddening worldwide tomacco addiction. She lived happily ever after.

The End

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