Friday, October 12, 2007

Twenty Three Days Too Soon Or Twenty Three Days Too Late -- The Realisations About Love And Fate
Of course he laughs and he smiles when he speaks to the one for which he yearns over the hundreds of miles. The one he adores, she brings light to his day with all that she does although she's so far away.

When they first met a spark flared up, ignited the flames, left them both intrigued and forever changed. This moment was fleeting and quite malnourished, had it been longer the fires might have flourished. Then they were gone, left without hugs or goodbyes, the two parted ways towards their separate lives. Time flew by like leaves in the wind; he'd forgotten about her and she might not remember him. An act of kismet, serendipity, or luck crossed their paths once more and the match had been struck. The memories flooded from each other so fast, one could hardly refrain from interrupting the other with recollections of the past. It seemed only days had gone by since the moment they'd talked last, and although it had been quite some time, neither of them seemed to notice or mind. Hidden beneath their happy conversation, which gave them a chance to reunite, he still felt something was off and not quite right. After the lingering, long conversations faded to an end, her emotions and feelings swept over him; not the passion from a love but the closeness of a friend.

As the time slowly floats by, his feelings towards her grow stronger and he cannot explain why. He has no way to tell if her feelings for him are even there and there is so much about her of which he is still completely unaware. As they talk and interact more of her true self starts to show, perhaps even more than he wanted to know. She offers it willingly and he is more than happy to learn. He opens himself up to her and offers his secrets in return. The bond between them grows stronger by the day despite the many obstacles that stand in their way. Obstacles nearly impossible to move, impossible only if one was willing to put things at risk and if only that one had nothing to lose.

But a disparity starts to grow between that bond in this pair, he feels the amount of his heart being devoted is becoming unfair. He is enamoured with her thoughts, her smile, her eyes, her laugh, her voice...with her in absolutely every way and he tells her this almost every day. He cannot help but to say these things on his mind, but the way she accepts his compliments does not seem too kind. They appear to wash over her as though she couldn't care less, as if his kind words and actions actually cause her distress.

She remains distant and guarded, complicated by her thoughts and stress of everything in her world. He grows more frustrated every second of every day, unable to figure out the enigma of his seemingly ideal girl.

Sometimes she makes him feel like he's all that matters; he's treated like gold, elated and high, and the next day she leaves without saying goodbye. She talks to him about everything she experiences and all that she does, and he takes a great interest in the things that she loves. He comes to her for advice in his darkest times when he needs her the most and his life is bleak, but he feels as though she is simply just waiting for her turn to speak. He passionately pours his heart out to her about his most meaningful loves from deep within his core, but feels that to her it is all just a bore. Just when he is down and out and feeling stabbed through the heart with a knife, she sweetly comes around again to bring him right back to life. She lights up his eyes, his world, illuminates all that was dim and breathes life back into his heart, and he feels like he did right back at the start. Everything seems better this time as his feelings grow stronger even if hers haven't changed at all, and foolishly further head over heels does he fall.

His disillusionment grows as he suspends all disbelief of this fantasy world, his fantasy girl. A perfect dream from which he'd never wish to wake, however riddled with complexities that would cause the very earth to shake. From outside looking in it is all a person sees but twisted deep within this complex labyrinth, he could not see the forest for the trees.

The conversation dwindles and fades; his fairytale turns into a sickening obsession, consuming most of his days. Total lack of contact is driving him insane, torturing his soul and tormenting his brain. Everywhere he looks for little signals or signs, something - anything to tell him everything's fine. Nothing happens, nothing comes, nothing's to be found, and everything he felt in his heart is being driven into the ground. Each day that passes by a piece of his heart snaps, a piece shuts down and a piece fades away that is never coming back. Finally there is nothing left to bruise, nothing left to destroy, nothing to die or to break -- there's nothing left to lose.

His heart just shuts off.

He stopped caring and stopped thinking about her and stopped everything. Just stopped. Nothing. The emotions are gone, the feelings are gone, there's just an empty space where everything used to be and now it's cold and dark, lifeless and...blank. But he moves on and forgets about it, puts it all out of his mind but does not let his heart die completely; it's just dead to her. He realises she never gave the effort and showed the passion that he did and if she really felt the same way deep down, she would have pursued him more.

Other girls come in and out of his life; his heart opens up and warms again. None of them are exactly what he wants but each are a little of what he needs to refuel his fragmented and fractured emotions. He at least takes comfort in the fact that he's mostly recovered, not completely destroyed and able to enjoy himself and have fun again. Having removed himself from the situation, he finally realises how rose-coloured the glasses really were. He can now see how much he wanted to believe it would all work out flawlessly, how much he thought everything was nearly perfect when in fact nothing at all was ever close to being perfect. He had wanted it all so badly he fooled himself into accepting a false reality where anything was possible and nothing could go wrong.

She sits and sulks, speculates and stews about the boy, her boy. Her internet unexpectedly disconnected, derailing, discontinuing, dissolving and utterly destroying all conversation between them. She couldn't call, contact, communicate, or converse in any way at all and this confounding sullen situation simply sent her psychotically over the edge.

She'd been slightly standoffish, subdued and secretive for the duration of their time together since she was worried and wary and quite weary from her past relationship and wasn't sure what she wanted. Some days would be bubbly, buoyant, beautiful days filled with open hearted happiness and heads held high with heaven-sent hope . However some days were dark and dreary, murky and marked by mystery and secluded secrets stuck in safe spots, closed doors with guarded and gauged responses. All of her defense mechanisms are precisely protecting her painful past and preventing the pressure of a new situation from puncturing and piercing through her powerful barrier.

So much time has past that the walls come crumbling down, she's hoping that soon he will come back around. At last she knows deep in her heart that he is her knight, he will find her and make it all right. She's waited so long tried not to make any mistakes, for him she would do whatever it takes. Forever she has longed for this moment to come, her chest starts to swell and her body goes numb. Her heart aches for him just like his had before; there is nothing in this world that she could want more. She counts on him being where he's been for so long, but when she goes to him she finds that he's gone. A tear streams her face but she knows she needn't cry, he would never leave without a good reason why. Of course there's an answer with the time that has past, so much could have happened since they had talked last. She won't lose faith or let her spirits sink low, she'll soon find her boy and her world will be aglow.

Days and weeks and months pass by in a blur and after a while it all becomes meaningless to her. She's nearly given up on her endless search for her boy; not a single message or call, not one word or a sign. There's no response from him with any type of communication she could find. No internet chat, no email, no phone, not the faintest idea of where he resides and for all she knows he might even have died. Although slightly extreme with her irrational thinking, with each passing day her heart keeps sinking and sinking. Her spirits have not quite degenerated or deteriorated to a state of dire despondency, but those depressed, downcast, and dreary feelings start to appear more frequently. In spite of her solitary sadness, her faith remains resolute and strong. To her, everything happens for a reason and this situation is too special and important for it to suddenly go all wrong.

Restlessly asleep in her room with her head far from her pillow and her white blanket twisted and tangled beneath her right arm, she bolts upright and awake at the screeching sound of her alarm. Slapping a lazy hand down on her clock and dragging herself to the edge of her bed, she sits for a second with her elbows on her knees and her hands on her head. Managing to finally get showered, dressed and eventually out the front door, she shuffles off to work like so many mundane and mediocre times before. As the day wears on the time ticks infinitely slowly towards five and she has to resist the urge to check her own pulse to see if she's still alive. The recirculated air and cramped, claustrophobic office cubicles, the long fluorescent tube lights that cause her head to ache and throb make her wonder why she'd ever accepted this excruciatingly dreadful job. After what seemed like an eternity it's finally time to go home. Had she stayed in that prison just a few moments longer she was sure, like a ticking time bomb, her head would have blown.

She leaves the building and starts to walk home along the same route she takes every day, passing the cobblestone bridge, the rollerbladers, the dog walkers and cyclists along the way. Following the twists and turns along the asphalt path, she gazes down at her shoes and then casually over at a pair of sparrows having a dust bath. Walking home after work usually helps her clear her head after long stressful days; she tries to purge her mind of negative energy and thoughts in various different ways. While she walks further along, she slowly begins tuning things out such as the light and the sound and notices nothing but the wind in her hair and the force of her feet pounding against the ground. Caught in a light, airy daydream with her eyes staring blankly and half glazed, her head's way up in the clouds, completely dazed.

Slowly walking down the tree-lined trail in somewhat of a trance, she doesn't bother to give passersby even the slightest glance. She snaps from her stupor, her half-awake dream, when a bulky, bluish-black raven screeches from its perch near the edge of the stream. As she swings to her right to see the source of the sound, the raven cocks its head to the side and gives her the oddest look, she clumsily crashes into someone briefly glancing at a book.

As they collide and stumble around, they both say their apologies and awkwardly reach out to retrieve the novel from the ground. There's an odd sense of familiarity when their hands touch slightly as they begin to arise, and once again they stand looking into each other's eyes.

They stand stunned for a second until the reality of the moment becomes apparently clear; he's speechless and frozen, she's holding back a tear.

She grabs onto her boy, squeezes him hard so his chest presses against her face, anxiously awaiting his strong arms to hold tightly around her waist. On the verge of tears, elated and babbling incoherently, she gives her nose a sniff and looks up at him when she realises he isn't hugging back, but standing there stiff. She takes a step back and gives him a quizzical look, he's staring down at the ground and fidgeting with his book. Gathering her thoughts she knows exactly what she wants to say, she's confident that fate has brought them together again today.

-- I'm sorry for how I acted before and how I treated you. I was confused by my feelings and didn't know what to do. I've spent a long time thinking and I know how I feel and it's exactly like you do. Everything will be better, it'll all be okay, we can be happy and we can be together now, just me and you. Nothing will stop us or get in our way, nothing can bring us down or ever tear us apart. It took me a while to realise what you had already known from the start. We can begin again, right here and now and forget about the past. I have all of my heart to offer and the love I have for you is a love that will forever last.

He stands still, silently absorbing this emotional speech. Words he could never imagine coming from her mouth had suddenly touched his ears in a teary torrent of true romanticism, of everything he thought he'd ever wanted to hear. His face is still blank, emotionless and empty, much like his heart is at this moment. There is nothing left to give, nothing left to feel and nothing at all he can think of to say. He begins to stare off a little when he feels someone shaking him furiously.

After getting no response and seeing him stare into space, she starts shaking his coat and lightly slaps his face. Finally she manages to gain his attention as she's becoming more flustered and upset, never had she imagined things would turn out this way when they first met.

-- What's the matter, aren't you listening to me? I love you too! We can be together now, just me and you! It's what you've always wanted this whole time. It's what we were dreaming of and now the dream can finally be yours and mine!

He looks into her eyes. Her red tear-soaked eyes. They wildly search his own, looking for something, an answer, a response, anything. He notices her shaking hands, her wet cheeks, the way she's half laughing in disbelief but mostly crying out of confusion and pain. He always knew they would share something unique and special but never expected it to be a misery such as this. A misery so deep, so utterly torturous and tormenting that it could only be rivalled in magnitude by the beauty and power of the love they would have shared. But that love is gone, never to return and touch his soul again, never to light up his days, bring smiles to his face or make him feel limitless and that anything is possible.

-- No. We can't be together. I don't love you. It's too late. My feelings were there laid out on the table once before, and ignored and my heart was broken. Sometimes when that happens and it's so powerful, your heart gets damaged so badly, a piece of it just dies off, stops working and fades away forever. I can't give you my heart anymore, but you did take a piece of it with you, and I'll never be able to get that back.

He walks by, not waiting for her response, not looking behind, with no regrets and a clear mind.


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